Entry 03


My family doesn’t ever fail to remind me how much I feel misunderstood. This sounds like an accusation. It is not. I am more than blessed to be with the family I have not. But as I my thought evolves throughout the years, I find myself in a disposition far from that which they always understood me to be.

They being a somewhat true sample of modern societal thought gives me the comparative value I need to remind myself of this point. Them being a “true sample” is of course a very subjective matter. By the standard of thought by which we grew up thinking, my collective family thinking is quite liberal and surprisingly capable of change in comparison the other “typical” families. And I’m sure that by other standards, my family still is quite conservative in value. I could fairly justify taking either point of view, and I don’t quite think that either has a more true stance in reality. These things are subjective. I think there is a more advantageous way to look at things. I have repeated this often to my family members. Examine; What is your highest value? It should be your well being. If your well-being is your highest value, than naturally you will take the most progressive view on your course of history while still being truthful to the current state of affairs. It is possible.

I hesitate in being apparent on coming full circle back to certain beliefs which the family held firm growing up. I rejected those beliefs in recent years. In all actuality, I reject them still. There is only the illusion that I believe in them now. I’ll outline for example maybe the greatest example of all. It is the belief in there being a God. I believed firmly growing up that there was an inherent father of flesh and bone somewhere in the heavens that was something of a highly glorified man, all knowing and all loving. I rejected that belief in later years after a period of intense study and contemplation. How could there be a God as such? Now, I do not believe there is a God as such, only I believe that there is something of an all-pervading spirit, whose full glory is unknown to myself. Unfortunately, If I ever wish to share my feeling on the matter (which I do often), I find myself in a bind. The nouns that I use are not great or grand enough to really describe that which I perceive as God. I am western educated. I speak English. “God” is closest word that I know of, and it has been tainted by modern Christian ideology. They made God small. They assumed his form. They did many other things to God. I do not know that God. That is the one that I rejected so many years ago, and I still reject now. The word “God” is God – and when I speak to the layman, there is no other way to say it.

After much study, I also realize now the limiting nature of language and rhetoric. Both of these are maybe the greatest instrument and tool in the hands of man, bridging the gap between the head and the heart. Yet, for as much message as words can convey, they are only representative of ideas. If ideas and conceptions have any boundaries, they are far beyond the boundaries of any language. By logical deduction, we can envision that there is a difference between that which words convey and that which conception will conjure up. It is in this difference that my words will be misunderstood. It is through my venture of writing (on my blogs and elsewhere) that I try and extend the boundaries of my words to be more inclusive, thus overlapping the difference between my rhetoric and the true nature of my rhetoric. This being so, I’ve seen the evolution of my words over time. Naturally they have taken a more metaphoric and subjective nature, almost mimicking that style of poetry. This is a natural evolution. Writing for me is like an ongoing meditation. Ideas are swimming around in the forefront of my consciousness, and my fingers type the words quite effortlessly most the time.

And often times I find that there is no combination of words to give true justice to my message. I think it is by purity of heart and keen observation that I find an object of nature to have qualities that mimic the quality of my message. In these cases, I find the venture of poetic writing to convey a far better massage than I can with any combination of descriptive words. Some of my favorite writings were understood in this fashion.

The words of the great Buddhist teacher “Thay” were made this way. They are so simple, with no clever amalgamation of words. Instead, his words are an ordinary simile to any number of simple and beautiful phenomenon found in nature. “The Way,” as taught to us in Taoism may be the greatest use of rhetoric to deliver a message so profound and subtle that we often live our whole lives without ever seeing The Way.

It is in that difference that I will be misunderstood. That difference is characterized by the fact that words cannot carry my message. It is also quite fortunate that this message can find expression in how we carry ourselves through life. It is in our interactions, choices, behavior and words all together. That is how our inner being find expression.

I do not care for respectability. There is a part of me that I am curious about. It is a part of my that I often serves as a projection of myself onto others. I do not like that person’s ways. He is worldly, petty and judgmental, often identifying poor qualities in others. I almost always catch him in his track, immediately realizing that his judgement are things that I am fearful of being true for me in the past, present of future. That person is subjective and often serves as a great tool for me. Because of his tendency for judgement, he’s also good at making predictions. Predictions about that which will undoubtedly be misapprehended. He in fact wrote much of this blog. And he knows when things are taken out of context. I hope my message will be receive, but my beliefs will also be unpopular.

I wish the reader to know that there is no belief which I will state that has not been arrived at by coming full circle to it. I have considered carefully, and though I have many opinion, do not misunderstand. I do not hold onto any of these. They are after all only thoughts swimming around in my head, and if not for posterity, I only write them here on my blog for my own fun. That is – for my own ego. I am wrong quite often, and I hope to catch myself being wrong again and again. I’ve gotten quite used to it now.

I do not care for consistency. When it matters, I will not shy away from my truth. It is my ever changing truth which is always according to my knowledge. My truth lies in that gap of misunderstanding, yet I think that those who know me will see my message in the insistence for expressing my “truth”, whether it be sensible or not. Need I say more? This I made very clear in the first of my articles on this blog. I am consistent about that!

I’ve said many things. This is all a painting of words. A form of art. There is something more important than anything I am writing. I really do not know that much. I know as much as has happened to me in twenty four years. No more, and no less. Exactly that! It has not always been so. In previous years, I fooled myself into believing that I was collecting more and more about life. I was not. The older I become, the more I am realizing about what I don’t know. Call it un-learning. My effort is to be as a child. Children are happy. Children are exuberant in life! Children are living perfectly spontaneous in the moment! I want to be that way again! Why? Because a healthy well being is a high value for me.


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