Entry 04

The heart wants what it want. And what I’ve learned is that the heart also gets what it wants. Always it seems like. This is tested by my own life. Through periods will be a confusion, but the heart always has a desire, and it is always filled. I think that the work in life is to get out of our own way, and to let the heart speak. This has been my work lately anyways.

There has been an urge inside of me for years to leave, and discover what else is there. I suppressed it, because I thought that it was in irresponsible fantasy of a desire.

“How dare you leave?! You are meant to study hard and make a way for my future! How dare you leave? You are meant to prepare to find a partner and live. How dare you leave? You are meant to find a way to contribute in society!” All of these conversations happened to me and I listened to them. I believed them. It was in my hopeless depression and my effort to go away from it that a pure transformation happened.

I was scrolling through news feed a few years ago and found a journalist made video about a certain Mr. Mike Posner – a man on a mission to walk across America. I didn’t recognize him at first. He did not looks the same – his hair and beard had grown out. He was a radio pop star from my years in junior high school. I remember him now – he made catchy tunes that you could queue up at house parties. I didn’t hear about him for many years, until I saw this video. Posner was walking across America because he could and because he wanted to.

“I realized I couldn’t wait to do these things. I’d been putting ‘the walk’ off for years and years. The time is now.”

The time is always now. We say tomorrow. “I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it when I’m finished with school. I’ll do it when I have money.”

Tomorrow never comes. There is only today, and you should not wait another day to do what you want to do. That day will never come, only today will come. That is listening to the calling of your heart. So it was after seeing that video and Posner’s courage, that I found the courage to let go of my fears. The fear was that there wasn’t enough time in life. The fear is that I would be stepping into the un-safety. But after seeing Posner with the courage, I also felt the truth in my heart that the only irresponsible thing was to deny the calling of my heart. That is a great sin! Life is calling all the time. It is begging to be received. It lives inside your heart, and by living so safe and calculated, it is to deny the calling of the heart. What a shame that will be! This takes some self analysis I think. What am I afraid of? What is keeping me from doing this?

So when I see what it is, then there is an opportunity to take courageous action. I think that if there is a measure in life, it must be valued in the courage that one take in changing his own ways! That is a courageous action! I don’t want to be complacent in life. I am admittedly afraid of complacency and a mundane routine. It is my weakness, but it is also may be my greatest asset. Because of that, my life is in a rapid process of evolution. I have had lovely partners! I have had many great friends. I have lived in many great places, and I’ve had many great jobs. I’ve learned many great things. I’ve used my body, made art, sang songs and written much. I’ve shared company with substances, and I’ve also loved silence and loneliness. I have just lived! I don’t have any regrets about it, and I can’t say that there is anything I regret. It was all been great and exciting! And most of all, I am not afraid of it more – the good and the bad. There is no worry. If the heart always get what is wants, than why is there much room for worry! All things will be accomplished any how, I think it is only a matter of how much we can aid that process along. If we aid it along well, than the heart achieved greater aspiration. If we do not aid it along, than we are on a long winding road. But any way, that road must lead to the true desire of the heart.

I think this is what is meant by coming full circle. I have rejected many things in previous years only to come back to it by logical pragmatism about my mind and beliefs. But because I’ve come back in a round-about way, I also see where much of the confusion and misunderstanding stems from. I see where my own misunderstanding was from.

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