Entry 01

This blog site as a new project, and I hope to see it as a way to express more openly what I cannot on my main blogging website. That blog site has been a great success and I can only describe it in two ways. First — it has become somewhat of a constant in my life. As is written in those words, my life has changed quickly as has my mind. Through the many ups and downs, turns and twists, that blog has been there for me to express myself. From beginning to end, those blogs have reflected different and sometimes contradictory natures. It reflects a pretty accurate evolution of myself, which is one of the main reasons for starting a separate blog. And that I will come back to. It is an outlet which has been there. And second — it has become a “novel”. I have echoed many times that with every blog uploaded, I’ve seen it turn into a story and/or somewhat of a narrative. I’m really excited by that. Of all the things I’ve ever created (which there have been many), I have not been so proud of anything as I have my “novel”. It was by pure accident that the blog took a pattern of its own. I told stories (any I have a lot to tell). Those stories are my own experiences, which I feel deeply compelled to write being that my exposure to life has been nothing short of miraculous. I often read my old blogs and though I know they are my own, I cannot help but fantasize as reading those words as a separate person and seeing how tragic yet beautiful that life is as written in those words.

This “project” is purely mine. I have no hopes to see it take off in any way shape or form, instead I have it to express a part of me which I feel that others would not understand. It may not be that others cannot understand and instead, I cannot understand, yet I know it is still me. That is more likely the case, and even as I write these words, I can see that this will be the most lucrative way to organize my thoughts in a somewhat creative way. Let me dive even deeper. I hope to explain something about my evolution that I hope somebody may understand.

In my life there have been only two people who were really close to me and knew me deeply. They are my mother and my former lover. Those two people know me better than anybody else. But even those two people know only a fraction of me which is known through any form of expression whether it by my words, actions or deeds. When there was discontent with either of those two, they would often hear me use a certain metaphor to express that I cannot which also may have birthed the discontent to begin with. “I am like an iceberg. Even you who knows me better than anybody else, knows only tip of the iceberg. The large majority of what I feel as ‘me’ is underneath.” That is true. That is how I feel.

The modern societal world seems to have an expectation for its people to be orderly. “Orderly” meaning that we are to make sense. That out thoughts, intentions and actions are implicitly expected to follow an order towards lively benefit and wellness. Of those three — thoughts, intentions and actions — it is the expectations on thought which I find the most quarrel with.

I should also note something that has been swimming in my head for the last few days as a disclaimer to those who will read these words. There will be inconsistency. I hope by noticing this, you will see what I mean by the world having expectations about consistency in thought. This is implicitly highlighted in my main blog and I hope my readers will have noticed. Life is an ever-changing process. Or at least is is meant to be. One should find themselves in a constant state of evolution. All of us, including me (much more so in the past than in the present), consciously (or unconsciously) reject the tides of change. I am not a psychologist, but because I’ve cultivated the faculty of inner/outer observance, and because I have a brain in my skull, I can safely state it as a fact that there is a human tendency to form mental walls/barriers to keep us safe from that which we don’t know. That which we don’t know is characterized by change. I’ve understood the saying to “roll with the punches”. Because life throws the punches. It is our job to get back up. Defeat is not it getting knocked down. True defeat is in no finding a way to stand after being knocked down. You can quote that.

Through the many great teachers and leaders whose words I’ve been changed by, I have collected a few tricks in my bag. They are like life hacks, and I use those tricks (which I’ll refer to as values) to reduce my suffering. I’ve seen my fair share. It is by some reason which I do no yet know, but hope to know soon, that I quickly found the wisdom and strength to engineer this life and mind in a conducive way. A way that flows with rather than against. My point is this. As the years have passed, and I’ve evolved to be more conducive, I’ve found myself more socially incompatible. I meditated on this. First impression told me that I was somehow wrong. I thought, “Other people are not this way, but I am this way. There must be something wrong with me.” But that couldn’t be, because even though I have become less compatible with my circles of interaction, my well being has been more. It couldn’t have been more than a few years of evolution coupled with knowledge that I began to see that our modern world is so incompatible for the purity of the human soul and the unalloyed atman – or the inner and eternal self.

I studied history, psychology, spirituality, anthropology, linguistics and communications to come to this finding. I was not backwards. My mind was not backwards. Modern society is backwards! Our governments are backwards! The religious institutions are backwards! Many things are backwards, and most of you will never know. Most of you will never realize this if you remain the conformist that the man wants you to be. It is a clever trick they are playing. It is so clever in fact, that I actually deserves admiration. The design is evil-genius. Genius – just like every innate thing – is neutral. All energy is neutral. But genius has been used to oppressive force. It sells the illusion of freedom and choice. These things I firmly believe.

Because I believe the written word to be a highly valuable source of expression and passage of knowledge, I have started this blog as a way to explain that of my thoughts which I find in disagreement with the modern word yet in perfect validity in my own experience. My words will be strong. I will make many implications as to the wrongness I see in today’s modern culture.

This will be the first of many writing. I also wish to express that none of these words should be taken too seriously. I don’t take any of my own words too seriously. These words are only an expression of my thoughts. And thoughts are just thoughts. Life is much more multi-dimensional and grandiose that these thoughts. These thoughts are only observances on the world. And they are always changing. You will see! I am always changing so how could these words not change also? There is a great value which I live by. It is this — You should have strong opinion loosely held. Do you understand? Can have strong opinions and convictions, but hold them loosely? You could be wrong. I’m wrong all the time, but I have no reputation and/or image to defend. I have already said here that my statements often find themselves in contradiction. That is okay because I have no desire to be as orderly and foundational as the modern world expects me to be.


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